It occured to me today, that before I get much further in this blog, I should to explain something. Tell a bit of my story if you will. As I said before, I am 100% straight. However, I had my own version of "coming out" that I had to do in recent years. It was the singer Cindi Lauper that once admitted to having to come out as straight to her friends as all of the people she surrounded herself with were not. My family wasn't homophobic per say. The word gay was just never mentioned growing up. I'm ashamed to say I didn't even know men and women had relationships with people of the same gender until I was around 11 or 12 years old. However, it wasn't until I was 13 or 14 that I started to form my own thoughts and ideas about homosexuality.
At first the mere thought of two guys or girls even just romantically hugging or holding hands, made me blush a bit like a little school girl. However, the more the subject seemed to dwell in my mind, the more I realized how pro-LGBT I was. Unfortunately, I hardly spoke any of my thoughts of the subject until I was 18 and starting community college. Over the last two years or more, my opinions and beliefs in gay rights have only gotten stronger as has my courage to admit my beliefs aloud and stand by them. My mom has been passed away for about 7 years now, so really it was only my dad's reaction I was truly worried about. My sisters, I knew, would have their own opinons but support mine nonetheless. My dad, however, I have always been terrified of disappointing. I started out small, casually mentioning a gay film I had watched and loved or a gay pairing or character I was currently borderline obessessed with. Eventually that lead forward to slipping in my view points on current hot news topics dealing with the LGBT community during a regular phone conversation. To my surprise, my dad never even batted an eye or seemed shocked. I know he may still be a bit uncomfortable around members of the LGBT community, but he is an open minded and supportive person, who has grown more and more excepting of all kinds of people the longer he lives. I even sent him the link to this blog after debating about whether to wait a few days or not. He read through it and texted back that he thought it was well written and that he loved me. So as proud of creating this blog, and finally having the courage to put my voice out there, as I already was, having my dad's support, on top of my siblings' and some friends', just makes it that much more sweeter of an endeavor.
What I'm trying to get at here in this little rambly anecdote, is that no, I haven't ever had to come out to my family or friends as gay, lesian, bisexual, or transgender. I haven't felt that terror and fear of what could happen, nor the loneliness, uncertainty, and confusion that can hover around you while you are in the closet. HOWEVER, in a tiny way, I'd like to think that I felt the smallest molecule of those feelings when I was hiding my feelings of gay ally pride inside of myself away from the world. Just telling my family and friends that "hey I support gay rights 245.8% and always have" was pretty darn nerve wracking and worrisome. I also know what it's like to be different in general, to be seen as weird, strange, or even different. I have my own personality traits that make people look at me different. Sometimes like when a dog cocks its head sideways when it hears a strang noise. Overall, I may not know what it's like to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, but.... I do know what it's like to be a bit different then most.
So while I may not know what's its like to truly come out, I am here to support those that have,and want OR are struggling, to come out. I may not always be able to give some kind of advice, but what I lack in experience I promise I'll make up for in support, encouragement, and love.
<3
I didn't know such thing existed until I was thirteen. Then I was bullied in school because people thought I was gay, just because a friend or two may have been gay. They made me feel so ashamed of myself, even though I was not gay. Their bullying made be believe I was even though I still had no idea what a finger banger was. Heck, my entire room was wallpapered in pictures of cute male actors and singers I had crushes on.
ReplyDeleteAll this caused me to attempt suicide several times and engage in some cutting.
It was not until I was out of junior high that I really understood what being gay was and that there was nothing wrong with being gay, and It was my right to be the person I am, not what others thought of me.
Now being not being gay and forced to feel the way I did, I can understand how someone who is gay and bullied would feel.
I'm very sorry you had to go through that. It's not right at all. Bullying like that in schools should never be allowed and should be taken care of. Unfortunately, sometimes the teachers don't know what's happening or are homophobes themselves. No one should be made to feel like that. I'm very glad your suicide attempts weren't successful because the world would be less bright without you around. Thank you for sharing your story! I admire your bravery and courage!!! Up until this last year, I use pain as a way of home therapy (cutting up my arms and chewing the insides of my cheeks till they were bloody and extremely painful) so I know what the urge to do something like that can feel like. I also used to down Ibprophane like candy as a way to try to destory my stomach and insides.The important thing isn't what you did at one time, but that you got past it and are still here. <3
DeleteThank you for visiting my blog and I hope you'll return in the future and maybe share this blog with people you know.
There are definitely lots of ways you have to "come out" about different things to family/friends. :) good post! <3
ReplyDeleteThank you Rachael! I was worried I didn't word it wrong so it offended.
DeleteI grew up on a farm and all my parents bought me were flannel shirts. I found out many years later that people in high school thought I was gay because I wore flannel shirts. But no-one ever came up and asked they just talked behind my back. I wasn't gay or bi but had friends who were.
ReplyDeletePeople can be so cruel. They remind me of chickens. Chickens will single out another of their kind who is slightly different and peck them to death.